SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, been lurking and digesting info and I must say everyone on here is so supportive and generous with their thoughts and guidance. So here's my story, hopefully it makes sense and avoids any ramblings! But I'm aware it might be fragmented due to how the A came to light.

I recently found out that my partner of 16 years and mother of our 6 year old son has been having an affair. Who I was sadly still very much in love with. I'm very lost at present and just talking each day as it comes, but I'm relatively high functioning under stress and anxiety and able to put on a brave face. I've lost over 20lbs in weight and cannot sleep. Over the last month I've been constantly wondering how this happened (I didn't see it coming at all) and it has knocked me for six or 6 million. I started IC today which has improved my mood somewhat though and was very cathartic to talk to someone and have them listen to my ruminating.

I left my WP once I found out on DDay 3rd Jan, this was more of admittance then any form of disclosure; she wouldnt give me any details. I moved to my parents for 2 weeks as I didnt what her to see the trauma I was in, but for the last 2 weeks I've moved back into the family home as need to be closer to home for work and my son. WP has moved into her parents. Although she is using the family home to remote work whilst I'm out at work.

The last 12 months of our relationship weren't the same as the preceeding 15 years that I accept. 2nd lockdown was tough, she's and extrovert and hated being locked up. Lack of intimacy between us crept in but relationship was never toxic or bad. We have always had laughter and happiness even recently around xmas, common interests, but equally individual hobbies. I was never controlling or unloving and always supportive, kind and generous. But clearly a bit of boredom and monotony had occurred. Think I forgot how to communicate my love to her in the way she wanted and looking back got stuck in the mundane, everyday cycle of life; work, chores, childcare, watch TV for a bit, fall asleep, bed. Rinse and repeat.

Since lockdown lifted in 2021 I'm in the UK, my partner started frequently going out with friends more etc (which I would have very much liked to have been by her side instead) but wanted to give her the freedom to do her own thing; In my head it was 'I love you so much I will sacrifice my own pleasure' so she could have hers, especially after the restrictions of the 2nd lockdown and her being an extrovert, needing to see her friends. I was also by my partner assigned the role of chief babysitter during these frequent jaunts. I loved spending time with my son, I'm much more a hands on dad than she is mum. Since DDay I've realised this was the affair taking shape and she wasn't with her friends, but I didnt notice at the time and not until around Xmas (trust and fidelity are a core value of mine, which she knew, it had been communicated. Therefore I never contemplated this would ever be the cause of our relationship to end). Gosh the lies that this took, messaging and calling me whilst on weekends away with him. Discussing the meals, restaurants and activities that they had undertaken, under the cover of being with her female friends. Showing me videos and sending me pictures of the places visited. She even chose walks to go on as a family to the same place she had been with AP the day before.

She got sloppy though and left receipts of gift she'd bought the AP for Xmas under the bed and also posted a picture of herself on SM wearing a hat and rucksack he'd bought her for Xmas. (I hasten to add they were nearly exactly the same gifts I'd bought her myself that she was wearing when she left the house, but had changed them over). Not to mention birth control pills, but we hadn't been intimate for some time (maybe 9ish months) so she also must have been having unprotected sex... urgh!!

Back in time.....I broke down in tears and had a panic attack in the autumn; Nov 16th to be precise due to noticing the change in our bond and opened up that my heart was breaking, due to fear of loosing her after an unusually nasty argument and wanting to fight to regain the relationship we once knew. We had a long conversation and we seemed to move forward. We agreed that it showed we both cared, although she stressed she still needed her space and she didn't want me to smoother her. But alas it was too late she continued the A (at this time I was still not in the slightest bit aware). My biggest regret is that I enabled her taking advantage of me, keeping me at home with our son whilst they pursued oneanother. Secondly I just cannot fathom why after 15 and a bit wonderfully happy years and less than 1 tough one she just jumped ship on our family without even talking about any problems she may have had within our relationship to try to rectify them. That one hurts the deepest!

She's now only contacting me regarding child care arrangements. When I first left after DDay she messaged me saying she missed me so much. She also called me about 3 days later saying the usual

Sorry I hurt you, he was someone who showed her a bit of attention, LYBNILWY, that she took me for granted, I'll never trust her again, didnt think we could get backnto how it was, her heads been turned, she feels so ashamed, she's been living in a bubble and she needs to be on her own for a while.

Since then nothing but silence other than childcare arrangements.

What she isn't aware is that I have found out who the AP is and she doesnt know I know! He's the same age as the both of us 39 but never been in a long term relationship, if he was such a good guy why couldnt he find a single lady, had to go for the one with a family. He doesn't have any commitments and is therefore readily available unlike me who is caring for his family or now just child. They seemed to have sparked a friendship through cycling and triathlon (a hobby of hers not mine). He's even liked historical pictures of my son on her SM, like he's just wanting to take my family!!! ABSOLUTE RAGE AT THIS!!!!!

The few times that I've seen her since DDay when we have crossed paths at the house. I just don't recognise her within 4 weeks. She seems like a stranger. This might be just me but I'm really starting to think she might me having a mid-life crisis and at some point she's either going to implode and see the damage she done or that it's gone so far she can't turn back. The only people by which point that will have suffered is my son and I. I get physically nauseous when I think that ultimately this AP may get to be a part of my sons life and pass on his clearly warped character and moral compass onto him. Although his mother clearly has many flaws that I now see clear as day.

As she has continued the relationship with her AP since the split, its clear where her priorities now sit and the relationship clearly didn't mean enough to want to save it. She's betrayed me by having the A, continuing it after November's heart to heart and then seeming choosing him over me on DDay. Sadly and this is the saddest part; I'm still in the hoping phase that she comes to her senses and want R and I cannot shift that feeling, even though in my gut I know its folly. I also categorically refuse to play the pick me dance.

She hasn't told anyone about the A other than her Mum and sister. Her father would be mortified as he caught his own mother having affair whilst in his teens. I think she's now transferred the lies to them to continue the A when our son is with me. She's not acting like a normal adult as when she has our son it will be grandma who does all the chores and she will be getting weighted on hand and foot. Again mid-life crisis, like she's reverting to a teenager. I think now she is pretending the A is over so that she can in the future bring him in as a new partner so he won't be seen as the home-wreaker.

Sorry to ramble, but I just don't know what to do. Should I calmly confront her and ask for clarity and that I know who the AP is. Should I contact her mother? Should I just move on. What I can say for certain is I'm focusing my efforts now though on healing myself and taking care of my son. I really need to sort the sleep out though, but really don't want to go down the medication route. I'm doing breathing techniques, mindfulness, walking and exercising when I can. These all help in different ways, but nothing seems to calm my mind when I go to bed.

Many thanks to all those that take the time to read.

Be sure to expose her to all her family. They may be of help.

Take a hard line with her. Do not do the pick me dance or offer to rugsweep this affair. She needs to understand her choices are ending the relationship and will mean your child will grow up with parents separated.

She needs to know she has triggered the end unless she goes no contact and makes herself safe for the relationship. Which requires a ton of commitment on her part. Being wishy washy is the worst thing you can do. Being firm may bring her to her senses. Nothing else will.

You cannot "win" her back, you cannot have the old her ever again... and even if you could... would you want her? I mean the her that she is not the woman you thought you knew. I would divorce her. The sooner she see's serious consequences the sooner she will realize that she has burned her bridge back to you. If you can handle the truth DNA test your son. If he is yours GREAT... but her finding out that you would suspect will give her a slight idea of the trust destruction she has conceived. Focus on YOU! Health, physical strength, finances, father duties and when you are ready start dating. Yes, right now the wound is raw and bleeding but it will heal and you will find a new path. All the Best!

Don't hide her secret from your friends and family.

See a lawyer, start the D process. At the very least set a date (maybe even retroactive) for legal separation to stop the clock on alimony and child support (may not matter a lot for how long your M was, but do it anyway). Also helps if she starts spending marital assets rapidly.

Should I just move on.

Can't nice her back.

If you still want your relationship back, your best bet is to firmly grab hold of your life, and move on. Read up on the 180 and implement it. No more chats about her plans or problems, don't discuss anything other than care of your son.

You show her you're moving on. Losing her husband and marriage might snap her head out of the fog of being with the other man. And, if she isn't coming back then you're moving in the right direction, you're being positive about yourself and your life with your son.

She's fired you from the job of loving, caring husband. She has problems now of any kind, her boyfriend can fix them. Sorry, but she can't be part time married, or only married when she's feeling down or has a little problem.

See a lawyer, have her served. Doesn't mean you're divorced that takes time, months. Means shits gotten real, no more of her playing about with your life and your son't life.

You need to think thru if she comes crawling back at some point, do you still want her? Is she still a prize you need to have back in your life? Can you ever trust her? Reconciling your marriage will be a long, hard slog. Do you want that to be your life going forward? Think this thru very carefully.

Sending strength. No more sitting back waiting. Get your anger up and get moving on.

Wow. She lied that easily to you, even sending you texts when she was with her AP. With seemingly no guilt too.

You understand that trying to Nice her back, NEVER works. And that her betraying you AND your son is all on HER. Would you stab your loved one in the back just because you were feeling bored? Seriously, what she did sounds next-level twisted.

I get it, believe me. The rage, the pain, everything. SHE is the one who is doing wrong, and YOU are the one who is in the most pain. You have to process through this, here and w an IC. But meanwhile, you need to be strong to protect yourself and your son. Please lawyer up and D.

And yes, tell her Dad what happened.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:02 AM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

Very sorry you are here. Right now you are best to go no contact. She will just try to hurt you. Man describe their WS as a complete stranger or an alien creature. You are not alone. Get IC for you and your son as well. Start healing for you and get stronger.

Unless I am reading incorrectly (which happens😳) you are not married. So no advice to D. But it is important to consult an attorney to learn your rights, especially as it concerns custody arrangements. Finances as well. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:03 PM, February 1st (Tuesday)]

You don't need to confront her, you've done it before and you see the result.

Do hard 180. Your current situation shows that you don't have much communication anyway. Not doing pick me dance is very good as well.

According to most people in this situation, it can be said that you handle the situation pretty good.

Confronting her or engaging with her will yield no results.

You need to do something more shocking and get her back into reality. File for D and serve the documents to her without informing.

Then call your in-laws and explain to them that you are getting a divorce and why.Tell others as well who need to know.

If she tells you she wants to R with you, don't jump into this offer right away. Don't stop the D process. Let her do whatever she has to do to win you over. If she succeeds at some point, you might consider R, but if you don't want to, you will move on without her.

BTW

But clearly a bit of boredom and monotony had occurred. Think I forgot how to communicate my love to her in the way she wanted

Stop blaming yourself and making excuses for her A. Probably she's already doing and will do this a lot.

You were in the same M And you didn't cheat.

And whole world were in the same lockdown, not every person has cheated on their spouses but only immoral cheaters.

While you were babysitting at home, she was f..king and living her best life with her AP. Do you find it fair?

Didn't the same monotony apply to you? You could have chosen to cheat like her, instead of thinking of it as an excuse for her betrayal. She didn't think that you might be bored with your marriage, she never felt any concern to show you her love. Why do you think it's just your job? She just left without caring about you and your kid and had an A. Now, are you the one who to blame?

Oh, and don't think she cheated because your marriage has gone bad recently, your marriage was going bad because she cheated. She was giving the energy and effort to her A which she should give you and your family. She didn't sleep with someone else because of sexlessness, she hasn't had sex with you for 9 months because she slept with someone else. She felt the need to be loyal to her AP, not you.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 1:34 AM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

Many thanks everyone for the advice and council. To clarify we're not married. Both atheist therefore we didn't feel the need to marry.

We both earn equally and split the house bills equally, but one big issue is the house is solely in her name. Which causes me stress as might not have a leg to stand on when it eventually comes to selling up!

Thanks again, big love to all x

Hi Brave in Adversity, your post resonated with me so much, there are so many similarities with my situation and I've gone through so much that you have done as well:

- Long term relationship and have a son together
- Me an introvert, her an extrovert
- Lack of intimacy crept in during lockdown
- Relationship never turned toxic or bad
- Getting stuck in the mundane everyday cycle of life
- Her spending more time out with "friends" upon the lifting of lockdown and me sacrificing my own life to facilitate hers (and ultimately the affair!)
- Fidelity a huge thing to me too (grew up without a dad in my life as he had an affair and left me and my mum to be with the AP) and never wanted this for mine and my sons life.
- Being sent pictures and texts whilst she was with him
- I found things in the house that he had sent to her
- Her just choosing to leave without any sign of her being that unhappy and the pain of her not wanting to try and make things work
- I had the LYBNILWY line thrown at me as well
- AP not being in a long term relationship or having any children, raises doubts in my mind along the lines of "whats wrong with him?"
- Pain that me and my son are the ones suffering, she's "won" and got everything she wanted
- The gut wrenching pain of the AP being involved in my sons life after he played his part in tearing apart our family. He doesn't deserve that.
- Her father mortified by her actions as his wife did the same to him.
- Her doing her very best to try and manipulate the narrative in her favour to make out there was no affair / overlap between the two relationships.

I'm now 5 months post separation and it's still hard to deal with. I think the added weight of knowing she left to be with the AP and didn't want to fix things along with the fact it feels like she's taken your son with her and then inserted the AP into his life in place of you is horrendous.

In terms of the sleeping, just try some over the counter sleeping pills. I had never taken these in my life at all (I'm 36) and never had any need to but I got desperate surviving on a couple of hours broken sleep each night. I used Sominex (I'm in the UK too so you should be able to find them) and these sorted me out and got me into a sleeping pattern before I managed to come off them after a few weeks of taking them.

100% tell her family about what has happened. You were together 16 years so I'm sure that like me you formed close bonds with her family and consider them as your own family too. My WS lied and bended the truth to her family to try and make her blameless in the whole thing. One thing I will say though is don't expect them to take sides, most likely they will express their disappointment with her, show you sympathy and apologise on her behalf but ultimately she's still their family and once the dust has settled life will go on as normal for them all. Try concentrating on yourself and your own friends and family, these are the people that are going to be there for you in the weeks, months, years to come.

Like I said, your situation seems so similar to mine and I can empathise with you so much because I know how hard it is. Here for you if you need anything or have any questions or need some advice. Just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for now and take things day by day, that's all you can do at this stage.

You should consult a lawyer regarding the sharing of assets and custody.
If it's going to be a fair share, I wouldn't recommend living with her any longer.

Both atheist therefore we didn't feel the need to marry.

In today’s world – even the UK – marriage is a civil process as far as the law is concerned. The officials have simply outsourced the permit to marry to religious officials, and some people have chosen to add the restrictions, benefits and constraints their religious choice might add to the legal ramifications of marrying. You are just as married if a non-religious civil servant signs the dotted line as if a Rabbi, Mullah, Vicar or Priest did the ceremony.
I want to point this out because what the formal marriage does is clarify what happens if you divorce, if one of you falls ill, inheritance if one passes away and so on and so on. You could theoretically have sat down and drawn up a contract for all this stuff, but "marriage" is basically a business contract for how the entity "we as a couple" are going to handle stuff. For example: in many countries/places inheritance is based on relationships so if your wife had died in an accident your son would be the new home-owner, not you.

OK – I think you need to be ultra realistic. There is too much at stake here for emotions alone to control the situation. This is a step-by-step suggestion on what I would look into:

1)Know your rights. Even without a formal marriage civil relationships generally have a relatively strong position in Europe. You might be entitled to some compensation for your contribution to the house, despite it being solely in her name. Have you filed taxes as a couple? Can you show transactions from your account to hers or directly from your account to the mortgage-holder, contractors, hardware stores and such?
I know there is a strong Fathers Rights movement in the UK. My first step might be to find their phone number and give them a call. They can probably answer your most important questions and possibly guide you onwards. At least they can refer you to a good solicitor that specializes in this area.
2)Accept that this MIGHT be the end of your relationship. It’s not what you want, but if your wife is determined to keep her affair partner (AP) then you really need to evaluate what you want. That might create a situation where you WANT two things, but getting both isn’t really attainable. Sort of the classic eat the cake but keep it too. If you WANT your relationship with your wife and you WANT her to end the affair you can possibly only get one of the two. Would you be OK with your wife being at home, relatively nice to you and could you turn a blind eye the third Friday this month when she claims she’s "going shopping" at eight in the evening, only to come home Saturday mornings?
3)Once you know your rights and how this might progress once you refuse the affair then come back to SI. We can guide you on steps that might end the affair, might make her decide you are the better option. Or not. The same advice actually can also help you detach and move on.

This is a bit like coming home to the fire department just having extinguished a fire in your house. No matter how much you wish there hadn’t been a fire it won’t change the fact your home is barely habitable at the moment. You could try to sit in the charred remains of your favorite chair, but the smoke and smell will still be there. It’s only when you are 100% certain the fire is out that you can evaluate if the home is salvageable and start rebuilding, or if the damage is too extensive.

Hi Quick update,

Son was with me last night and she arrived on queue this morning at 7 to take over.

So was clearly upset when I said won't see him now until Friday. She ignored it really, asked if I'm okay, I said no. To which she replied simply 'oh ok'. I simply left, complete lack of any emotion towards me or son.

So how are you going to use the next 5 days to move on?

BA, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think, if you are hoping for her to want to reconcile then you have to do something. Sitting at home and feeling miserable won't bring you far. At the moment your child's mother gets affection, attention, love, validation and sex from another man and you bring no attraction to the table. You aren't even married, so there is no deeper bond that you two have besides your child. I know you are hurting and it's unfair but sulking in your pain won't bring her back. You have to make her miss you, want you. Make yourself attractive to her, at the moment she just needs you for co-parenting. So how do you make her feel attracted to you, I don't think the way you behaving right now. Live your life, live a good life, make yourself unavailable for her, make yourself wanted, that might create interest or even old sparks. By throwing your pain at her, even though it is understandable, you won't get her to want you, at best you make her feel a little guilty but that's all.

[This message edited by bob7777 at 11:48 PM, Saturday, February 5th]

Hope you are standing by your posting name and acting like one. Because if you fail in your own things like job and studies you lose twice. It may even give a pervert satisfaction to WS seeing you down. It is difficult, but keep your head up and stay away from her emotionally. A cheater wants to know the B spose is still interested to enjoy cheating. If I were you I would give up asap since this is going on for long Listening to Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma attachment on youtube it may help.
Wish you a strong mind

I just don't know what to do. Should I calmly confront her and ask for clarity and that I know who the AP is. Should I contact her mother? Should I just move on. What I can say for certain is I'm focusing my efforts now though on healing myself and taking care of my son. I really need to sort the sleep out though, but really don't want to go down the medication route. I'm doing breathing techniques, mindfulness, walking and exercising when I can. These all help in different ways, but nothing seems to calm my mind when I go to bed.

When you turn out the lights, all you've got is yourself, and it's very normal for you to be filled with anger, grief, fear, and shame - all feelings that interfere with sleep - this soon after d-day. You're probably still in a type of shock. Give yourself more time to get your feet back on the ground.

Your body will get itself enough sleep to survive, especially with the mindfulness techniques you're doing. Make sure you're not doing something dangerous - driving, using power tools - when you're exhausted.

It's normal not to know what to do right now. You want her back, but she's out of the relationship and won't come back. There's no way to prepare for this. I recommend reading 'The Simplified 180' (and the rest of the Healing Library, too) - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/. Serjr put together a lot of techniques that can help you reclaim yourself and detach from your probably-former partner.

Make yourself attractive to her....

This looks like a recommendation to do the pick-me dance, which is exactly what you need to avoid.

The best you can do for yourself is to be yourself. If your former SO doesn't love the real you, you don't need her. If she doesn't love the real you, you need to move on (except for co-parenting, a big exception, to be sure).

I would get a consult from a local attorney as to whether your house payments will be considered equity or rent.

She doesn't care and it's your time to move on. After 16 years, she does this ?

Expose the other man if he's married, tell your family and friends what happened and move any possessions out as safely and peacefully as possible if you can afford to. Coexistance should only happen, IMO, if financially you can't seperate pending divorce.

You will be ok.

Now is not the time for the heart. It's a time for the mind and to maintain your self esteem. Her attitude says it all. No guilt. No conscience. Not wife material though you also should see if there is common law marriage in your state.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet ?

Thanks all for the wise words and guidance.

I have a week's annual leave starting 18th Feb and will find alternative place to live. Will rent initially.

Once I have my OWN space will then look to discuss with WP sale of property (I have evidence of my financial contributions). Or buying me out of my share of the equity.

I'm following the 180 now, focusing on me and my son. Exercise, walking, seeing family and friends, doing yoga, having IC and just generally being kind to myself. She's now getting NC from me other than childcare arrangements.

Need to stop thinking about her now, but it's hard. Once I do that healing will be easier. So sad that I haven't seen my son since Friday, but have him 4 days this week 😃

Thanks again and I'm thinking of everyone here that's having to deal with this crap! We deserve better.

I strongly suggest you contact one of the Father’s rights organizations that were quite prominent in the UK some years ago. They will quickly let you know your rights and possibly give you a list of attorneys that specialize in cases like yours. I’m also guessing that the initial phone-call will be to a volunteer that probably has more experience and knowledge than all of us here on SI combined and is free.