SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You should definitely talk to a lawyer about the custody arrangement. With any luck, based on how your WP is acting, you may be able to convince her to give you a majority of the physical custody. It seems her focus is on herself and her new relationship. See if you can use that to your advantage.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Your WP is a weak, selfish person. You deserve better.

Good on you for starting to move on... To Bob7’s point, there’s a chance that once she sees your moving on and doing ok that she may second guess herself... It took me a few months, but after a while, I started feeling great with my new liberty... Got in the best shape of my life (six pack and all : ) ) And had just moved on... Problem is, the more I did, the more she was making contact and keeping tabs on me... I had even tentatively agreed with her that we’d transfer the house to my name alone so that I could use the equity and so on after the separation to bridge the gap while I got things straightened out...

Once I told her I met with the bank and she just needed to go sign, that’s when it made it real for her... She started to wanting to R... You can read my whole story on my thread "2 years + feels like yesterday ", so I won’t rehash it here...

But the point I’m making, is that in your current state, If she ever mentions R, it’s gonna feel great... The relationship may even feel new and be almost perfect in every way... But in my case, and as in the case of several others that I’ve read on here, you’re gonna be in it for the long haul... At some point down the road, whether it’s in months or even years, the reality of the situation is gonna set in... The triggers while watching a movie, lyrics in a song and so on, you’re likely gonna regret your decision to R at some point... You’ll never have what you had again... That’s a reality... It may work as a new relationship, but the old one is done... I’ll admit; we rug swept a lot... I really thought I could look past it and be ok with it... telling myself things like "we’ve slept with other people before" and things like that... But it’s not the same... I can’t get the sexual aspect of it out my head... That combined with the thinking back of the lies and everything else is making it more and more difficult for me to continue playing the R game that we’re in ... Another thing that I’m surprised that I’m feeling is that I remember another thing I told myself was : " I know I can be ok alone, so If it doesn’t work out like I think it will, I’ll just pull the plug later"... But 2+ years in now, it feels like I’d be the bad guy now if I was to pull the plug... It’s like I lost the leverage I had at the time where it was clear cut; she had an affair; I want out... I’m sure there are certain black and white rules/laws that will be what they will be, but and this is my own uneducated opinion, I kinda feel like I’m the grand scheme of things, you’d have more options in seperating in the context of "she left me for an AP" then what you’d have 2 years from now if it’s seen as you just wanting out...

Take my example; back in the day, my wife was willing to sign the house over to me... for 1, cause she had her millionaire AP to go to, but also probs out of guilt... That would not be the case today... It would come across as "my decision" this time, and because of her limited options financially, we’d probably have to sell the house and split the profits...

All of this to say, this is my word of caution to you... R may not work... And if it does, It’s gonna take a lot of work and things won’t be the same...

PS: I was rushed in my R, in her moving back in because of the covid lock downs... The initial plan was to live apart (her at her parents) and just start dating to see where it went... But she was back full time within a month...

So I suppose, take what I’m saying with a grain of salt cause my circumstance may be different due to the covid stuff...

Hopefully this makes sense... my intent in these posts is always to be short but I end up writing a book... I don’t re-read before posting, So I hope it flows ok and makes somewhat of sense...

Best of luck! Sorry this is happening to you... It is really a pain that only people that have lived through it can really understand...

Hi everyone,

Just a hopefully short update, 10weeks after DDay!

So I've got my shit together, got the evidence to show that I contributed equally to household finances (often more than her) as the mortgage is solely in her name. So protecting myself financially for myself and son in the future as best I can.

I'm currently still in the family home with WP at her parents/APs house. I'm actively looking to find rental accommodation ASAP but needs to be affordable and within reasonable distance to son's school to co-parent, but it's surprisingly hard to find somewhere that fits all the criteria. Once this is sorted detachment should be complete.

I'm in full on 180 now. NC other than communication regarding childcare. I'm seeing friends and socialising, joined a running club and hiking group, picked up my golf clubs and started playing again for the first time in years. Journalling and doing IC which has helped alot in understanding how I'm feeling and why, but also how to deal with it. Basically doing anything and everything to heal and feel good about myself.

Overall I feel like I'm in a safe place mentally and physically. Don't get me wrong the pain is still there, but I'm dealing with it positively and letting the bad moments and days come and go. Cherishing every second of happiness that comes along however brief.

Thankyou to everyone who has ever posted on SI with advice or information that I have used/taken on board to help me get through the initial trauma and the most horrific experience of my life.

You are all amazing and keep striving for peace and contentment despite the cards we've been dealt but didn't want or certainly deserve. Big love to all and I hope everyone has a bit of happiness today.

Brave in Adversity. I’m a lawyer in a Commonwealth country (Kylie Minogue says Hi!). I’m on speaking terms with English law, but only the common law, not statutory overlay. I don’t know if there is specific legislation governing de facto marriage property distribution where you are. Check that. If not, regarding your house, there is a concept of a legal interest and an equitable interest. You may need to apply to a Court so that the legal title is adjusted to reflect contributions. You will need to be on the front foot. See a family lawyer with a de facto and property bent. Don’t wait. Good luck mate.

OP-

The last 12 months of our relationship weren't the same as the preceeding 15 years that I accept. 2nd lockdown was tough, she's and extrovert and hated being locked up. Lack of intimacy between us crept in but relationship was never toxic or bad. We have always had laughter and happiness even recently around xmas, common interests, but equally individual hobbies. I was never controlling or unloving and always supportive, kind and generous. But clearly a bit of boredom and monotony had occurred. Think I forgot how to communicate my love to her in the way she wanted and looking back got stuck in the mundane, everyday cycle of life; work, chores, childcare, watch TV for a bit, fall asleep, bed. Rinse and repeat.

Do not blame yourself for the destruction here. Your story is very similar to the many BS's and husbands on this board. Life is life, its not a fairytale. You dont have screaming sex all the time, and its not always fun or easy. Its just life. Kids, bills work. What you had was a normal life, and normal is a great thing.

The problem you have, which is very similar to the other wives that cheated on this board are issues within herself. She's 39, so definitely peek midlife crisis. Around the same age as my exW. We had a very similar situation, good stable home, no major issues. I was in love with her, but she failed to tell me that there were any issues, then she cheats. That's not a YOU issue, that's a her sucks at communication issue. I also gave her a long leash, going out with friends, all good with me. I did the same, went out with my buds, and frankly, that's how it should be. You should have your own hobbies and friends and be happy with yourself.

Your WW is not only a piss poor mother, but also a lousy person. That aint changing until she wakes up to find that AP is a piece of shit that targets married women, but by then you should be on your way to healing. Don't wait for her. Best piece of advice I ever got was from my exWW's best friend, she said DON"T WAIT FOR HER TO WAKE UP. I kept moving forward, we divorced and I'm not much happier, remarried to a wonderful lady. She is still living in denial, and trapped in her situation. You deserve better and once you dump her ass, you'll be able to move forward and find better.

have you filed yet ?

Western,

We weren't married so no issue re divorce. Financial issue was house in her name, but I've sort legal advice to prove my contribution to the mortgage payments etc and have bank statements as evidence. So should be okay if I need to prove it in court.