Been stewing in this one for a while.
For me, theres a few problems here. The betrayed on this are grappling with a stated preference/ revealed preference divergence they see in the wayward/former wayward.
In Human behavior there is a huge difference between what people say and what people do. Stated preference is the kind of information that comes from survey and self report.
Revealed preference is what they actually in fact do. And these often differ.
And to some extent, this is one of those times.
Of course sex/romantic attention is a source of sought external validation. To me thats saying nothing at all. I have both fairly often, hard as it might be to believe, and I find them to be a source of external validation. No affair needed.
Thats not the issue.
The issue is, there are legitimate pro-social sources of external validation that could come from such exotic sources as a fitness club. Platonic friendship. Achieving rank professionally. Mastering a craft. Having a sweet ass ability to wow loved ones with food. Sex with your spouse! Chess. Radio control airplanes, I dont give a fuck, theres means that dont involve corrupting your partners reality to get it.
And all of those pro-social, healthy mechanisms were bypassed for a particular, more specific, source and type of external validation. So dont act like the ends were in front of the means any more than they ordinarily are. They werent. Of all the choices, Sex with someone other than the one person you agreed you would spend the rest of your life giving it to, was the chosen delivery system.
And betrayed spouses know, not intuit, know, that all the agreed upon meaning of the shared lives and their personal psychological safety, were forsook so the wayward could delight in a cheap narcotic cocktail of dopamine fueled by desire and illicitness. Regardless of whether the sex was enjoyable or not. Likely, the wayward hoped it would be, generally people hope to enjoy the sex they have.
So, you know, we get a stated preference in the atomic blast radius of validation, with a revealed preference of sexual/romantic delivery. That doesnt coalesce well, for male OR female betrayed.
Analogy: from time to time, I eat a shitty frozen pizza. Its not particularly good but I get enough out of it to do it occasionally. I like nicer pizzas but sometimes I want something else……even though its not great or good for me. Melted cheese and greasy meat and crust, right now, please.
Is there a good reason I want to do this? No. No theres not.
Reality: I wanted to indulge in hot, cheap, garbage, that would fill me up and require little of me to get it, despite having better options and knowing its not good for me.
Sanitized explanation: I was so nutritionally and emotionally depleted that something bad was preferable to the emptiness I felt.
Now the bag of salad in my fridge wants to know why it wasnt good enough for me. Shit guys, what do I do? No Caesar, its not because of your croutons. I love your croutons. Yes, theres enough dressing. I love your dressing. Its not your fault I did this.
I cant tell him I wanted hot and greasy, he’ll expire! Caesar. I didnt do this because of anything you arent or dont give me. I just did this because somethings wrong with me. I wanted comfort. I was vulnerable to his cheese because I was empty, Caesar. But you are all I want now, if youll have me.
