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2 years ago I found out that my husband had cheated on me for 3 years with prostitutes , I found out because I digged and found it all not because of honestly , the past 2 years I have been begged and pleaded to forgiveness I am sorry will never hurt you again etc etc, takes me to this year I finally decided to let my guard down and give things another go for the sake of my family and my children but something didn’t sit right with me still, but I wanted to believe otherwise, On a family tracking app I could see a late night visit had happened to an address I wasn’t familiar with I confronted the situation
And was told it was just a basic massage, from an escort… after 2 years of telling me I was his everything I am here again. And now I’m being told he wants to make things work and please can I see past this, I feel stupid and gaslit to the point I am destroyed it took me so much to try and trust again and now I’m back to square one and being told it’s not a big deal as was just as massage, please can someone give me some strength on how to move forward for my own self esteem, i am broken and destroyed

Sorry this happened to you Lost. What consequences did your WH receive 2 years ago? Sadly it’s clear your H isn’t remorseful. Oh I’m sure his words are "so sorry" but his actions tell the real story. Have you considered a post-nuptial agreement? Ask your attorney how feasible those are in your jurisdiction.

I ended the relationship 2 years ago and he’s begged and begged me the past 2 years said he would never do this again I’m all he wanted etc etc I dropped my guard a year ago and started to try and make things work as soon as I did this he started to be distant every time I said that I was told I was wrong and then this has happened again, I have said now I don’t believe a word he says and I want him to take a lie detector to see if he’s been lying to me this whole 2 years I have wasted my life I have been nothing but accommodating allowed myself to put my feelings aside as he’s been acting so broke and sad and it made me so anxious and now this, he’s refused to take the test so I think that is my answer he’s now bombarding me again crying at me constantly won’t leave me alone doesn’t understand why I want to be left alone it’s causing me so much anxiety

Welcome to SI, Lost. I'm so sorry that your WP (wayward partner) has treated you so badly. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good resources. There are some other posts (not pinned) with bull's eye icons that are great, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another source of information. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are some threads that you might find helpful.

He's a serial cheater and they are notoriously bad at doing the work to become a safe partner. Not saying it's impossible, just rare. He's minimizing your trauma and lying to you. It can really mess you up emotionally. Have you told him you don't want to see him and he is still continuing to bother you? If so, he's not listening to your needs and is only considering his own selfish needs.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Intimate partner betrayal is one of the worst that you can experience.

One thing that helped me with my self-esteem was to do affirmations every morning for several months. I found a YouTube video that was about 10 minutes long. I found one that spoke to me (made me ugly cry at first), and went through it every day. The phrases started out "I am" and listed an attribute. I found a bracelet that said I Am Enough and wore it as a visible reminder.

Glad you found us but not for the reason you're here.

The real question as I see it is are you planning on trying to stay with him or not?

If not then why not cut ties and move on?

If so then I would treat him like a drug addict. I would not allow the lie detector test to be optional. He doesn't take it, thats a deal breaker right there.

If he takes it, and you are satisfied he has been mostly honest, then I would insist on aggressive treatment. In this case treatment would be therapy and strict boundaries.

[This message edited by Theevent at 11:33 PM, Thursday, June 12th]

I am so sorry you have been dealing with his betrayal yet again!

You gave him a second chance and he decided to put his own selfish needs first. And FWIW this wasn’t "just a massage". And you don’t need a lie detector test to tell you that.

I think you should get a professional counselor just for you. Someone who can support you through this process of a second discovery day (dday2) and help you heal.

You have to start the 180 and turn your back on him to some extent. He believes he can sob his way back to a relationship w/ you without doing anything to make amends, help you heal, address his issues, etc.

You now KNOW that won’t work. You have seen for yourself that he’s untrustworthy. His crying is NOT because he hurt you and lied and cheated, it’s because he cannot get what he wants. He wants to be with you b/c he knows he can get away with cheating.

You deserve better. You tried your best with this relationship BUT you want love and respect and monogamy. He doesn’t want the same things you do. He just showed you that.

I hope this helps you.

I am sure people on here are sick of me referring to childhood traumas but your husband fits perfectly into the push/pull dynamic of someone unconsciously afraid of emotional intimacy. The minute you let him back into your life off he took. It usually stems from unrecognized anxiety quadrupled. It is so uncomfortable to let their guards down and they use stupid ways to keep bs at bay. He has no clue why he does it but it must dissipate some of the stress of intimacy.

He, of course, needs therapy. You need to see a dr for your own anxiety and sleep needs.

I am not pushing R or D just trying to fill in some holes.

Oops

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:40 AM, Friday, June 13th]

I am sure people on here are sick of me referring to childhood traumas but your husband fits perfectly into the push/pull dynamic of someone unconsciously afraid of emotional intimacy. The minute you let him back into your life off he took. It usually stems from unrecognized anxiety quadrupled. It is so uncomfortable to let their guards down and they use stupid ways to keep bs at bay. He has no clue why he does it but it must dissipate some of the stress of intimacy.

He, of course, needs therapy. You need to see a dr for your own anxiety and sleep needs.

I am not pushing R or D just trying to fill in some holes.

Thank you everyone for the replies, we have children so he’s made it very difficult for me to just cut him off completely he wasn’t bothered about me when I said about giving it another go but as soon as I found this out he’s gone back to exactly how he was 2 years ago when I found out, the worse is he knows the hurt he caused and he was so adamant he wanted his family back and he’s done it again I can’t get my head around it, when I sod why I just get well I have tired really hard and not actually addressing what he’s done he genuinely doesn’t understand why I no longer want to talk to him and won’t accept it I feel backed into a corner, he won’t tell anyone what’s happened so he’s expecting me to just pretend nothing is wrong and not speak about it to anyone i have never felt so trapped

Do you know what you want to do?

I know you are in a great deal of pain right now and I’m so sorry, this has nothing to do with you or anything you have done, this is all on him.

Your H clearly has issues he has to address but the most important thing right now is you, take care of you first and maybe decide what you want a little later, be kind to yourself.

Take care.

What's keeping you from getting support for yourself. Do you really have to keep his secrets for him?

We live in a very small town and last time this happened and I confided in someone they spread it and soon enough the whole town was talking about it still now I feel like that’s all I’m associated with plus I have a teenage son and the thought of this getting to him makes me
Sick to my stomach, so In a way I don’t want to expose it but at the same time atm I’m avoiding people because I know they will know something is wrong and tbh I am embarrassed , humiliated that I let mr guard down and he went and done this again when I was finally letting my guard down and to think he actually genuinely was sorry and cared about me I feel
So stupid and angry at myself for allowing him to control me this past 2 years push my own feelings aside as he was acting so unstable, and now he’s doing that again crying pleading being in my presence 24/7 as we own this house together so he feels he has the right to be here whenever he likes and the children live here, what angers me is if I hadn’t found out again he would be continuing this and telling me that I’m the one acting odd, the morning after he did it before I found out he started saying to me I’m
Acting off and it’s
Pissing him off because he is trying really hard knowing what he had done! It’s like the guilt he will twist it to make me feel like I’m the one pushing him away, but really it’s still raw to
To me what he did the first time and he’s not done anything to make me feel better about it he did for about 6 months but then he didn’t make no excessive effort, said he had booked a lads holiday knowing that would trigger me, then when I found out said he wouldn’t go but didn’t care about that before, I told
Him to
Go and told
Him I didn’t care what he did anymore he can do what he likes as he is single and he said that was an awful
Thing for me to say? How? I feel like I’m being manipulated

That's because you are being manipulated. He's also using DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender). It's to keep you emotionally dysregulated and will drive you bananas. Also, he will bait you until you blow up, and then accuse you of being the one with all of the issues.

Implement the 180 to start to emotionally detach. It sounds like he put in enough work to get you to shut up about it and then went back to his old ways. He's showing you who he is by his actions. His words are worthless.