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How much blame should we take! So I got defensive with my husband tonight. I have become very distant, I have been honest and said i need to protect myself and he had a big blow up last weekend where he shouted some horrible names at me in front of his sister in law because I wouldn’t give him a cuddle when he wanted one. I didn’t want to as I was annoyed that he left me to do all the work for the Easter meal for his family and was snappy and prior to them coming he had called me some awful names. I have said to him I am very hurt by this and don’t feel particularly affectionate whereas as he has forgotten it all and woke up the next morning as if it was all my fault.

I read something recently about addiction trauma in the non addicted spouse and so much of it resonated with me. I think I am quite traumatised by so much of his behaviour particularly when he is drinking. I know I am to blame for not leaving him. I don’t know why I feel stuck here, I think I know the road will be long and difficult. I sometimes have my mind made up that I am done but he asked me out right today and I said no. Maybe I have some attachment issues. his attitude is basically get over this or leave me. When I ask him why if I am so unloving he is still with me l, he says he loves me, despite constantly criticising me for being unloving. Maybe a part of me wants him to leave. I don’t know why I am rambling but find writing here helpful. And if I do stay I need to find a way to show physical affection but I feel so blocked now here. Have any of you ever overcome this block?

However, back to my original question, tonight he was saying he was 90% to blame and I was 10% for his affair. I didn’t show him enough love and he fees he was a good husband because he provided but I didn’t meet my end of the deal (despite doing absolutely everything in the home, all the childcare etc but I wasn’t physically affectionate (we were having sex just boring as we had young children and I didn’t initiate much but never said no or anything). He also justified the past two years of texting her on and off on this fact that he was lonely and that I haven’t been very nice to him. I get the physical affection part and I own that (not sure the affair made my ability to give this any better) but how much acceptance should I take. I think he is so bogged down in shame he wants to show that it is not all his fault

However, back to my original question, tonight he was saying he was 90% to blame and I was 10% for his affair.

That's the same percent you are too blame for his affair.

You *may* share 50/50 of the marriage problems prior to the affair, or they could be described in some other percentage (90/10?). His choice to have an affair is 100% on him.

He doesn't want affection - he wants control. He had a lot of other options, but he chose to have an A. I agree with TIF's post.

I don’t know why I feel stuck here

Have you looked up trauma bond or co-dependency? There's a lot of overlap between the symptoms but there are some differences.

A reasonable reaction to not getting his needs met is to have a conversation with you.

I can say this next part with authority because I have been the ws- there is nothing you could have done that would fill the hole in his life that he is responsible for.

He knows what works in manipulating you and uses those things over and over again. No one is a perfect spouse. No one has a perfect marriage or relationship. Those who do have a closer to perfect one has a marriage where communication, love and trust are the foundation.

Also, if you are to have the feelings of affection again then it will require him to provide emotional safety. He probably has never provided that to you and likely that is why you were less affectionate than he wanted.

Can you get there? Not on your own. Mending the physical aspects of a relationship usually requires first mending the emotional aspects. That’s impossible to do with him, and likely always will be.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have been in a relationship that is likely as Lea suggests is more of a trauma bond than love. It could and does happen to the best of us. This man is an anchor around your neck and you are out at sea.

I think try going to Al-anon meetings. I am sure someone has probably suggested it, I think I have. I realize you do not think he is an alcoholic, but the dynamics of your relationship would be even more evident in what is discussed during those meetings.

tonight he was saying he was 90% to blame and I was 10% for his affair.

Everything else you typed after that is straight from the Cheater's Handbook.

You are under no obligation to believe the bullshit he is trying to shove down your throat.

how much acceptance should I take.

ZERO.

I think he is so bogged down in shame he wants to show that it is not all his fault

What is he - a teenager that got busted for drinking/smoking and whines that it all his buddies fault? He needs to grow up.

Thank you all so much, this is the only place I talk about any of this. I probably need to get myself into ic.

So he broke no contact again. He drank two bottles of wine on a Monday night and passed out so I checked his phone. I noticed he blocked her and unblocked everyday last week.

He again blamed it on his drinking, in the fact I am not affectionate, that I didn’t give him any sexy time that day etc. etc.

I went into perpetrator mode in the victim cycle only by text though. Just angry at his responses but I was really calm at home. I don’t care anymore, don’t even feel upset. I actually find it quite pathetic that he is chasing after her when she never replies. The messages were all around how he knows he needs to block her, he wont speak to her for another three months, things are better between us and how he misses her and thinks about her everyday.
All the while he had been telling me that he hates her now (I imagine because she has had enough). He is pathetic that if he is so unhappy with me why he can’t leave and yet let telling me that he loves me . I actually feel sorry for him that he is in so in need of external gratification. I think this may also leave him vulnerable to cheating again particularly if I can’t give him any kind of affection

This is a never ending cycle. And you are suffering terribly.

IMO you have a few choices.

Give him affection to shut him up.

Don’t give him affection and suffer his rage and abuse.

Leave him. (Not a divorce)

Divorce him.

Get yourself some counseling w/ someone who is trained in alcoholic behavior.

Learn to ignore his drunken rants.

Stop checking his phone as you know what you will find.

Read up on the hard 180 and get yourself an exit plan.

And no you are not at fault for him cheating. That is a choice he makes alone. Is he unhappy? Yes. Is he doing anything about it that is positive? No.

And I agree with the person who said he doesn’t want your affection. He just wants control.

For just once, LemonPie, have some respect for yourself.

You're not "going through perpetrator mode in the victim cycle"; you're his wife and you're justifiably pissed off that your cheating husband is pining after his much younger coworker. As for his complaints about lack of affection, you would be safer hugging a porcupine than this miserable, abusive drunk.

But if, for whatever reason, allowing this man to wipe his feet on your face every day is somehow more preferable than divorce, then stop checking his phone. You know what you're going to find. You know how he will react. You know you will do nothing about it except complain. So stop making yourself crazy.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:36 PM, Tuesday, April 29th]

You're not to blame for his cheating. You are responsible for exposing your children to an abusive household with a person in active addiction 100% of the time though. You won't get the same benefit of the doubt if authorities get involved a second time. Please look into local DV resources and programs for families like Al-Anon.

Please start getting your exit plan together. This is no way to live. There has to be a way to leave. You are in hell and it comes at your expense. Your children are watching and this is not a M that should be displayed to them, ask me how I know. I stayed far too long. My kids were modeled a terrible M by me. I have apologized to them profusely, but they did see me leave the M in the end.