SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I started dating my current boyfriend just over a year ago. We had been casually seeing each other for 3 years before this, so when we decided to go all in it felt great and natural to move a little faster than the normal pace. At the beginning of the relationship he was talking entirely too much about a woman he works with and my intuition was ablaze that something was wrong. They spent time together, lunches, she'd text him during non-work hours and I knew way too much about her-- all learned from him. I resisted the urge to be the crazy girlfriend and didn't let him know it bothered me... at first. Over the course of our first 8 months of dating, I asked casually several times if they'd hooked up-- he assured me they were just friends and hadn't. In January I finally told him the time they spent together made me uncomfortable-- he argued I had no reason to be. In April of this year I asked for the last time if they'd ever slept together and he finally admitted that they had-- once, right before he and I were "official" (though we were still sleeping together... gross). I felt totally betrayed as all trust has been broken with his lies and "not-technically-but-close-enough" cheating. We decided we would try and get through this, but I'm struggling.

He still works with her and every day is a reminder of his dishonesty. I've expressed interest in moving-- I'm not happy in the current city I'm in because I'm far from my family and my grandfather has fallen ill and it'd also be great to get away from his job with the other woman. We discussed this and he put a timeline of one year on our move. We decided we would move to a town that would allow him to transfer within his company, while I would be finding new employment.

Last week he came home and out of the blue unleashed on me that he had no plans of moving in a year and in fact had felt pressured by me to place said timeline on his job and that I hadn't considered him and his needs.

Now I'm stuck wondering if any of this is worth it-- we're not married, though we've planned to be, and we don't have children. I feel as though if he really loved me the way he says then he would choose our happiness over a job (he's in a high-demand field, employment is not a problem for him). I'm extremely sad and confused as the few people I have confided in simply tell me to "get over it, let it go, you're not married and he didn't technically cheat". We live together and have plans for our future. I'm terrified of losing what I thought was my forever, but I'm also tired of being horribly sad on the inside all the time.

As a side note, thank you all for being here and sharing for those of us who don't have real life support. It means so, so, so much more than any of you kind strangers could ever know.

So sorry you have to be here. It's sounds like your BF has huge boundary issues and your needs aren't a priority. If I were in your shoes. Not married, no kids, boyfriend is not treating you right...leave. In fact, run. If he didn't alert you to the fact that he was sleeping with others...he opened you up to disease and all sorts of shit. His reaction tells me that he finds his actions justified and has no plans to stop. Stay strong and do what's best for you. Get out before there's further commitment.

The initial stages of a relationship are comparable to a test-drive for a new car.

It might be the make, brand and color you have always wanted, but if the transmission falls off and the engine overheats you might be better off shopping elsewhere.

I’m sorry I can’t suggest some magic pill to fix what’s going on, but this early in a relationship it’s a power-struggle. If he realizes he can lie and cheat, then you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of failing transmissions and overheating engines.

Be prepared to walk. If he follows then maybe you have a chance – IF he’s willing to change.

How old are you guys? Do you both have equally well paying jobs?

First, he agreed to move etc so he shouldn't ambush you later and accuse you of not being sensitive to his 'needs' (especially since you both agreed to a timeline that would allow him to stay with the same employer).

The personal knowledge of the OW and texting is evidence of an emotional affair that lead up to sex. Under the circumstances, it's highly likely that his affair with the OW is ongoing (either EA or PA or both).

Are they still texting? Do they have coffee or lunch together? Does he go out with coworkers for a drink after work?

Sorry you find yourself here, but it's good you have reached out.

The people you confided to IRL tell you to get over it and move on, but that doesn't help with the hurt and emotional upheaval that lying and betrayal cause. I hope you will carefully consider your own feelings, and do what it right for you. It may help to make a list of all the character traits and qualities that you want in a life-partner, and list all the deal-breakers, too.

Sure, you weren't "technically" together, but he did trample a boundary by betraying your trust. Why didn't he tell you when you asked him so many times if you weren't "official"? Why was he hiding this? This to me is fishy. He has shown you something important about who he is, so please pay attention to this. It's a red flag.

You didn't mention what his relationship with her is like now, since you have been officially a couple. Even if you decide to try and work through this, will you be able to trust him again? What has he done to show you he is trustworthy? Has he considered your feelings in all of this? All things to consider carefully.

There are other red flags: He is no longer willing to move even though you both already made a time-line and plan, and of course he still works with her.

It may be nothing to worry about after all, but I would strongly emphasize that you PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR SPIDEY SENSES when it comes to picking up on the subtle cues. Your gut will tell you when something is off, and it's usually very accurate. Much different than paranoia, which comes from the mind. You can feel the gut, but the mind sometimes won't want to acknowledge that something's off since it's too painful and taps into a fear, such as those you mentioned. The mind can easily ignore or rug-sweep what the gut is trying to tell you.

Let us know how you're doing with all of this. Wishing you strength, I know this isn't easy. (((hugs)))

Do not tolerate this behavior. He will use it to establish a pattern of abuse.

Please give serious consideration to extricating yourself from this relationship.

You deserve so much more.

when ppl say boyfriend I usually stop reading the rest. seriously, we only recovered from this because we had 5 kids, 25 years and a great friendship together.

you want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life? leave him there and go back to your family.

he doesn't deserve you!

Too much drama way too soon, no kids, RUN for the hills, yes if they still work together the A continues, he's been technically cheating because he lied about their relationship but if they had sex before and they are in constant contact why not keep having sex keep doing it.

Do you have full on demand access to his phone and electronic devices ? if he refuses to show it to you, then he's hiding the truth, which most likely you know what it is, either way if you decide to stay DEMAND he gets tested for STDs, you don't know who else he/she may have had sex with and therefore exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases.

Again you sound young and you haven't been together that long, better run now and not have go through this 10 years and a few children later, RUN and don't look back.

We're both late 20's and he makes significantly more than I do working at a startup (although I'm completely financially independent) so I do see why he wants to keep his job. He tells me that they're not in contact anymore but her position requires some form of contact with most people in the office so I'm not sure I believe him. She was also the first person he confided in once he finally admitted to me what happened.. he claimed he couldn't talk about it with anyone else. He hasn't really attended many work functions since this happened but he does usually work late, so who knows. It's difficult to trust someone who's lied for so long.

Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to talk to him tonight and let him know how I'm feeling and get some resolution one way or another.

Sweetheart, RUN!

You have no kids, you’re young and you have a boyfriend who doesn’t get boundaries. Please leave this situation and find someone who will adore and protect you.

Now I'm stuck wondering if any of this is worth it-- we're not married, though we've planned to be, and we don't have children

NO, it is not worth it.

While you may love him, he started the entire relationship off with a lie, and is unwilling to do any of the work to save your relationship.

My recommendation for you is to Find a job close to home, and leave him behind. Get into IC to understand why you would be willing to accept someone treating you like this, and fix that tiny piece of brokenness, so that you NEVER have to deal with a shitshow of this magnitude again.

You don't actually know what the truth is about what their relationship is/has been. He lied to you for months about her, then finally admits to sleeping with her once, but of course, it was before you two were official.

Cheaters lie and minimize. We see it all the time here. It's almost universal that you never get the whole truth at first and they'll only admit the barest minimum. For example, a betrayed spouse suddenly finds she's infected with an STD, which of course means her husband had to have been cheating. The husband will only admit to one time, and it was "only oral" and the "condom broke". The truth is he's been having sex with someone twice a week for 6 months without a condom.

It doesn't sound like he is good relationship material.

We live together

Yes.

and have plans for our future.

No.

You have plans to move to be happier & closer to family. He has informed you that he has no plans to move. Talk is cheap. Please take him at his word, instead of hoping that he'll change his mind or that previous talks of moving or marriage trump him outright telling you that,

he had no plans of moving in a year and in fact had felt pressured by me to place said timeline on his job and that I hadn't considered him and his needs.

It sucks when a relationship doesn't work out, but better now than when you're legally married with shared property, bank accounts, bills and kids to divvy up.

Move on, both figuratively and literally, with your life and put yourself and your happiness first.

If he suddenly realizes you were the great love of his life and can't live without you, he'll make an effort to transfer and be with you. But... more realistically... he's told you how he feels, how he doesn't want to move, and how he feels about you/your treatment of him in the relationship. Please believe him and move on.

First, he agreed to move etc so he shouldn't ambush you later and accuse you of not being sensitive to his 'needs' (especially since you both agreed to a timeline that would allow him to stay with the same employer).

I've expressed interest in moving...We discussed this and he put a timeline of one year on our move. We decided we would move to a town that would allow him to transfer within his company, while I would be finding new employment.

I would wonder if OP said she wanted to move, BF figured if he put a one year timeline he was buying himself some time and wouldn't have to actually worry about it & was possibly hoping she'd forget about or drop the move... Or that he didn't want to end the relationship right now, so he figured she'd find a job and make plans to move and when that actually happened, he'd have to finally admit he had no intentions of moving.

TBH, this guy sounds manipulative as hell. He liked talking all about this co-worker, did he? He liked saying her name and talking about his AP with his girlfriend? It sounds like a power trip and he enjoyed making you uncomfortable.

So two things:

1) This is who he is. If you don't like this behavior, you don't like secrets and bombshells dropped on your head, and manipulation and having to hear him talk about his crushes, the good news is you can pack up your stuff and go whenever and wherever you want. You owe him exactly nothing, including an explanation. You can just say, "Bye, bitch! Next!"

2) I'm pretty sure every middle-aged BW and mom of a few dependent young people read, "young, single and financially independent" and was pea-green with envy. I know I was. I'm so jealous you never, ever, ever have to talk this guy ever again. You can dodge this bullet without one single regret.

Thank you all for your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he did finally admit that he had an emotional affair (he was "we were just friends, it's not what you think" before). He said he would be willing to move in 1-2 years because he was at his dream job and wasn't willing to put that at risk. I told him I would be willing to wait if I felt like I was considered in this decision and not just told that I would need to wait. I told him I would feel fantastic hearing something along the lines of, "You and this relationship mean so much to me that I would leave earlier if that meant our happiness", knowing that his happiness means enough to me that I wouldn't ask him to do that. He offered to leave his job when I initially uncovered his lies but I told him that I knew how much it meant to him and I wouldn't ask him to do that. His willingness had meant and would now mean everything to me. He told me that was ridiculous, when he said it the first time it was an empty promise, and he wasn't willing to leave so that wasn't an option for him.

I've never discussed, let alone planned marriage with any man before-- I've never been much of the relationship type (and I'm starting to wish I stuck to my guns!) so I'm finding this situation extremely difficult. I can't help but feel some level of guilt for the way I previously handled this (getting angry or feeling depressed and pulling away) and part of me thinks that if I'd done things differently in the beginning of finding out that he would be more willing to work with me now. Why do we end up blaming ourselves? Part of me thinks those of you telling me to leave are right, and part of me is in the "but our relationship is different for x,y,z and I love him so I should stick it out" phase.

I do want to thank you all for giving me the strength to communicate with him differently than I've done in the past. I think last night was the most honest I've ever been with him regarding this situation and I attribute much of that to your encouragement.

oh honey, tread very very carefully.

put yourself first. think of yourself as the prize he should be doing to win YOU over.

"is different for x,y,z and I love him so I should stick it out"

your relationship isn't different. Love yourself more.

[This message edited by sewardak at 12:51 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

Thank you all for your responses. We had a very long talk last night and he did finally admit that he had an emotional affair (he was "we were just friends, it's not what you think" before). He said he would be willing to move in 1-2 years because he was at his dream job and wasn't willing to put that at risk.

Gently, he had been holding out about his EA (emotional affair). You mentioned that she was the first one he confided in... these are both big red flags. I want to point this out because of my own experience with betrayal. I learned the hard way after 21 years together that these things you are sharing are in no way signs to ignore. If he has been lying, there is almost always more he's not sharing.

I told him I would be willing to wait if I felt like I was considered in this decision and not just told that I would need to wait. I told him I would feel fantastic hearing something along the lines of, "You and this relationship mean so much to me that I would leave earlier if that meant our happiness", knowing that his happiness means enough to me that I wouldn't ask him to do that.

Yes, this would be wonderful to hear, but did he tell you this on his own? If you wait around to hear these words or words like them, you're likely setting yourself up for disappointment. And keep in mind that people do not change unless they want to change.

He offered to leave his job when I initially uncovered his lies but I told him that I knew how much it meant to him and I wouldn't ask him to do that. His willingness had meant and would now mean everything to me. He told me that was ridiculous, when he said it the first time it was an empty promise, and he wasn't willing to leave so that wasn't an option for him.

You are/were willing to compromise for him... and if I am understanding you here, he said what he told you about moving (which is something very important to you) was AN EMPTY PROMISE. Pay attention to what he said because he is not lying here. He could have been honest with you from the beginning but he wasn't and instead led you to believe that he wanted something he did not want. He was lying to appease you. Do you want this?

I've never discussed, let alone planned marriage with any man before-- I've never been much of the relationship type (and I'm starting to wish I stuck to my guns!) so I'm finding this situation extremely difficult. I can't help but feel some level of guilt for the way I previously handled this (getting angry or feeling depressed and pulling away) and part of me thinks that if I'd done things differently in the beginning of finding out that he would be more willing to work with me now. Why do we end up blaming ourselves? Part of me thinks those of you telling me to leave are right, and part of me is in the "but our relationship is different for x,y,z and I love him so I should stick it out" phase.

You deserve to be with someone who will keep their promises, be honest and open with you, and want to be with you and build a life together. Now is the time to strongly consider what is best for you NOW and in the future. What do you want out of life and love?

We blame ourselves in part because it gives us a sense of control over what's happening. "If only I did this, then this would have or could have been..." This is a normal reaction, but it's not based in the reality of the situation as it is now.

The "but our relationship is different" is also a very normal reaction. You are not alone in any of this. It's our natural defenses kicking in, the desire to be in control of the situation and the tendency or urge to bury the truth that may be too difficult and too painful to look at straight-on. This is not an easy place to be.

Of course you love him and want to stick it out. This is completely normal and totally understandable. You can love someone, and at the same time they can be no good for you. It's one of those unfortunate things in life that is sadly not uncommon.

Is there a way you can distance yourself from him and from the situation for a little while? That could help you decide what you want. Time and distance can help with clarity.

Most important is for you to acknowledge and accept exactly where you are now, how you are feeling about all of this, the turmoil it has caused you and the decisions you are faced with. This part is for you, to see where you are on the map of your life and consider where you want to go. Go easy on yourself. Do not blame yourself for what's happening.

Also you said you were reluctant to become this serious in a relationship, that's nothing to blame yourself for. It's simply you being reluctant (and it could be pointing to something important, so do ask yourself why the reluctance.) His lying and deceit is a very different animal than your initial reluctance.

I do want to thank you all for giving me the strength to communicate with him differently than I've done in the past. I think last night was the most honest I've ever been with him regarding this situation and I attribute much of that to your encouragement.

This is a great place to come for suggestions and advice from people who understand and empathize, who have been to that place where you find yourself now. One of the first things I learned after coming here to S.I. is that there are definite PATTERNS to the way these things play out. So many stories I've read are like pages from my own book. Of course we are all unique and individual, and our situations are different. But there are definitely patterns in how betrayal plays out, and these can't be denied.

Of course this is your decision to make, and there is really no right or wrong here. Do think carefully about what it is you truly want for yourself and if it's very different than what you're experiencing, then don't settle for less.

Sorry for the extra long response, but I felt compelled. Stay strong. You are doing well in looking at all of this. I know it's not easy, but you seem like a level-headed, intelligent and thoughtful person. You're going to be ok!

CHEATERS LIE, he's now a proven liar and a cheat, so back then he made an empty promise and just told you what you wanted to hear, and you believe he's telling you the truth now ? why ? EA? cheaters don't tell the whole truth immediately, if they're in contact and they were all this time it's most likely a PA with lots of "lunch quickies" and early/late work sessions. Adults involved in As who are in almost everyday contact do not stay just "holding hands" for that long, they have sex and lots of it.

Anyway he's no M material, just RUN and drop him like a bad habit, a couple of years from now you will be glad you did.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 2:47 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

It is not worth any of your time. You have nothing that is binding you two together to force that amount of work on you or as a couple. Find a love and a relationship that is easy without baggage. You'll thank yourself.