SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Prior to discovering the A, whenever I discussed infidelity with my W after hearing some news or stories about married couples, my view had always been that spouses should try reconciliation if there were no major issues in the marriage. And if they had young children together, I believed that divorce could have a psychological impact on the children as they grew up with separated parents.

My wife confessed that she was fairly confident that I would not divorce her, and therefore there would be no real consequences for continuing the affair. She believed that there would be some challenges for a few days or months, but eventually everything would be OK.

I keep thinking that she knew I would try to keep the family together because of my beliefs and because of our children, and that gave her confidence that she could continue the affair without having to worry about losing the marriage, its killing me.

How can I deal with this feeling? How can I move past the thought that my wife knew my weakness and used it to her advantage?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for sharing your thoughts, suggestions, and advice. I really appreciate it.

Well she's a special kind of entitled isn't she?

IMHO you are under no obligation to decide R or D right away. You can take all the time you need to figure it out.

I would see an attorney or three (many offer free consults) to see what your life would look like R or D or separation while you figure it out.

Are you sure the affair has ended? Are you sure NC (no contact) is in place?

I'm also a big fan of exposure. If her AP has a spouse or significant other - EXPOSE. If they work together - EXPOSE. If she or the AP has a code of conduct as part of their employment - EXPOSE. Let those consequences slap them in the face. Nothing changes the tune more than the consequences of their own actions.

Pro Tip - when you expose, don't let them know you are going to do this. They will cover their tracks and/or start damage control measures early.

My H thought the same thing. I would never D him.

Until dday2 of affair2 and I told him "I’m Divorcing you!", left the room and did the hard 180.

Game changer.

He stopped blaming me for his affair, got his act together and made amends for his lying & cheating choices.

While we have happily reconciled I would not have stayed married if he continued to blame me for his affair. He tried that once and I shut it down in a heartbeat.

When I first read your story I thought your wife was trash. A dumb cake eater. But now I'm leaning towards her being downright evil (to you). If you're looking for someone who doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, just look in her direction. That's where her confidence comes from. She does not think that you have the balls to divorce her or even separate from her. She probably thinks that she is so much better than you that you should kiss the ground she walks on. In reality, she's not much different from most cheaters. In order to think highly of themselves, they devalue everyone else around them.

How can I deal with this feeling?

Well, simply put, make her feel consequences. Something as simple as informing the OBS and outing the affair to your family are consequences. Making your own needs your top priority and holding her accountable for her crap are consequences. The added benefit is that they are also the right thing to do.
I get it. Marriage is a commitment, for better or worse. But that doesnt mean you owe her the marriage you thought you had before. You know now just what a selfish, entitled brat she is. Knowing that now, make sure you never forget and heal yourself. If she's repentant, she'll do her part. If not, you're at least recovering.