SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't posted on here for a really long time, at least a couple of years. Things were going well and I thought we'd pretty much got through it (DDay was Dec 2022). I had some therapy, we moved house, WH kept doing the right things and showing real change - or so I thought.

Today I found out by chance that he's been messaging an ex girlfriend (high school, first relationship, 30 years ago). He didn't tell me they were back in touch. Apparently they reconnected through Facebook a couple of years ago - two f***ing years!! They moved to WhatsApp a few months back and have been messaging sporadically since.

I've seen the messages and they're fine, but that's not the issue. In what world did he think it was okay to reconnect with an ex without letting me know only a year after DDay? At that point, I was still deep into the anger phase and fidelity/trust was still very much a live issue. I just cannot fathom how he thought it was okay not to be transparent, which is now leading me to think I can just never really trust him because, despite my very clear boundary about messaging ex girlfriends, he didn't see it as a problem.

Where do I go from here? I really just don't know what to think.

Sounds pretty shitty. You probably have the tip of the iceberg here.

Where do I go from here? I really just don't know what to think.

I don’t know where you go from here but it’s apparent the cheater doesn’t get it, isn’t interested in your feelings, hasn’t made the marriage his top priority nor has he made an effort to make you feel safe.

You can certainly remain with him if you want to accept this type of behavior. Because you now know he will always put his selfish needs first.

I’m sorry for you. Apparently his need for attention and validation is HIS priority.

Please make yourself YOUR priority, no matter what the outcome ends up being.

All of this is sketchy, especially moving to WhatsApp. I think that app is used a lot to keep relationships secret. At the very least, he doesn't get it and you haven't been in R. He's just been going along to smooth things out.

You need to confront him. Set some clear and firm boundaries.

I can tell you one thing, as a guy:

If I end up "casually" meeting an "ex gf", if I ended up texting with her, with whatever kind of "ex" (longer dating or just sex buddies).... I always ended up doing her a gynecological exam.

Because you do not text your ex unless you want to check how their new pants look upon them or off.

If I was on a relationship the kind of female I would categorically never even give my new number were women I slept with.
Not. A. Chance.

Because there was sex involved once, there is sex involved now, whether he sealed the deal or not yet.

Even if they were texting each other about bible school, it's a smoke screen.

180 right now, do not be blindsided again.
Please protect your peace.

It's not okay and he knows hence the reason he did not tell you. You said you have seen the messages and they are okay but I'm confused as to how you can say they are okay. He is secretly messaging with a former girlfriend after having an affair. On no planet is that even remotely acceptable

Good morning turns into how are you doing turns into remember that time we did this turns into let's meet up.

According to my wife her Affair started with good morning which turned into that dress looks great on you to which she would return a compliment and then it morphed into the sexting. Had I not stumbled into her affair there is no doubt that once school was out for the summer and the building was down to a skeleton crew more would have happened because there are plenty of places to hide

Where I to find out my wife was secretly communicating with another man I would file for divorce even if the conversations were absolutely innocent because once you have an affair the rules permanently change. You no longer have "innocent" conversations with a member of the opposite sex, Common Sense dictates this.

Another permanent change is no going out with coworkers if it's a mixed setting. And if by chance she is out with female co-workers and male coworkers show up she either leaves or calls me to join them and if I can't then she leaves. Now, I am not naive and I know she could very well keep it to herself but she understands that if there is one misstep the relationship ends, there is no third chance.

It sounds to me like your husband is willing to gamble a second time which to me says he thinks he can get away with it. If she reached out to him he should have instantly reached out to you to say hey I just received a message from X. I did not initiate this conversation and I'm going to politely say Hi and then tell her I am married and we cannot communicate any further. And then he should show you the message history but it has to be done proactively

With the plethora of messaging apps these days it is far too easy to hide communications which makes it so much easier to have an affair.

If he doesn't know that you know I strongly suggest confronting him. There's a reason why he is talking to her

Thanks all for the responses. I completely agree with you all. That's the thing he doesn't get: it doesn't matter that the messaging is innocent - his affair changed the rules.

About 18 months ago an ex contacted me because he realised we work in the same organisation. He wanted to meet and clear the air. I was completely transparent about this with WH immediately and showed him the email thread. That would've been a good time to be honest about his contact with ex but apparently it didn't occur to him - and that's the issue.

I agree it's a divorceable offence and that's where my head's at currently. I just need to think things through as we have a small child.

It's a habit cheaters use. My wife did the same. Took years for her to get out of doing it. Even after DDay it took time for her to get it. It was years really. They live in fear for awhile after DDay then start to push at the boundaries after things start to settle down. He's entitled and you're in the way of his ego kibble. Boot him for awhile. Pack his shit up and tell him to go. See what happens next. It's like doing tough love over and over until one day he gets an aha moment. Some people just do not learn quickly. You like many of us here just happened to marry one. Setting boundaries is easy. Enforcing them is an entirely different thing. With no consequences he has no reason to change other than his own will power. And cheaters already show they are drastically low on that. So the next motivator is fear or shame. You can out him to people around him. Shame kicks in for that. You can boot him then the fear kicks in. Since telling him didn't work your left escalating or rug sweeping. Pay now or pay later. But if nothing changes for the cheater there is no motivation to stop cheating.