SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone this will be long. I debated posting it for several months because I'm worried she could see it. I hope that doesn't happen because I just want to feel better for a while.

I’ve been carrying this for over a decade and I’m at a breaking point. I need some perspective on what I may be missing. Part of me really wants to believe my wife but I just don't. Everything she said screams deception. This happened at the end of 2015. It's driven the marriage for me ever since and nothing I do helps to get over it.

My wife sent me a sexy picture l one night while I was staying up late for work. She had already gone to bed but asked if she could send me something different. She’s fairly prude and has never sent anything like that before or since but it was of her in skimpy pajamas along with some erotica she wrote. My name was never mentioned in the erotica but it was long and very graphic. I loved it for a lot of reasons but I was surprised because it was not normal for her.

For most of the marriage she has been very unsexual. To the point where we would go weeks or months with no sex. When it happened it was always really good but it was the main cause of most of our arguments as a young couple. This day changed everything I thought I knew about my wife of 10 years at that point. What I immediately saw was that the picture was a screenshot and it had "Verizon" in the corner. We have always had AT&T. I went into a panic, had to calm down and went to wake her up. I remember her looking at me, saying it was "weird" and rolling back over to go to sleep. The next morning I woke up late and got ready for night shift. I came out and she asked me to sit down. She had an incredibly odd story that to this day I don't believe. She told me she had met an older man while bowling (which she had been doing for about a year with her mom and sister). She said that he was married a long time and they struck up a conversation about marriage. For reasons she’s never explained, it started with suggestions on how to "get my attention" that went as far as suggesting trying bdsm and eventually led to her sending him a photo of herself in skimpy pajamas and some erotica. Again, my main problem at that time was a lack of physical intimacy along with a lack of appreciation. It was as simple as having sex with me without making me feel guilty for asking and showing that I was more than a roommate. She denies ever discussing our sex life or marital problems with this guy yet somehow sent him this picture, erotica and discussed bdsm among a lot of other sexual things. She claimed he’s unattractive, she was not interested in him and she only wanted his help because he was "neutral" and she didn't feel judgement (this part was relayed recently during couples therapy). To this day she says she feels stupid but didn't mean to upset me. She also claims she only sent part of the erotica (nothing sexual although the entire thing was highly sexual from beginning to end). She said that she was embarrassed afterwards and asked him to delete it which he didn't do. She refused to tell me anything else about him except that his name was John, which I don’t believe. Somehow they ended up talking again later and he asked her if she sent me the picture and story. She told him she deleted it and he sent it back to her. She later sent it to me. My suspicion is that she used a burner phone to send it to her real phone but I could be wrong.

Back when it started I asked her sister (who bowled with her) and a mutual friend what was happening. I don't remember exactly what I asked but I was struggling so much that I had to do something. The sister said "I wouldn't tell you if she was having an affair. She's my sister." That was it. The friend said she didn't know what I was talking about then later that day went to my wife and talked to her about it. My wife got mad at me for talking about it and was more worried about being embarrassed than my feelings. It hurt more than the actual affair. I lost 2 close friends that day and barely speak to either one unless I have to. I felt forced to just accept it all this time. Not much later I lost my job in part because of this issue. My department found out and questioned my ability to perform. They asked me to resign and try again when I got my personal life under control. I didn't tell my wife that. I said it was for other reasons. My life fell apart and I ended up working for her father until I finally got back to my career somewhere else a few years ago.

To make it worse, my wife got pregnant during the time frame so there are questions. Our daughter has hazel eyes. I have blue eyes, my wife has green. I know eye color genetics are more complicated than that but combined with everything else it’s eating at me. I’m seriously considering a discreet DNA test (I have access to swabs at work and could use her toothbrush). I don’t want to damage my relationship with my daughter. She's literally the most important person in my life and I'm terrified I could lose her but if I was the other guy I would want to know. I also can’t keep wondering if she's mine or not. When I brought up my questions about paternity recently her response wasn't the angry kind I expected given how heated the rest of that conversation was. It was a gentle laugh and she said "are you serious? she looks just like you". That's not accurate at all, she looks like my wife. I also mentioned we both get polygraphs so she can see that I never cheated on her or she on me. She brushed right over it twice and didn't even acknowledge it. Literally said nothing and changed the subject.

She refused couples therapy for over 11 years because it was embarrassing for her. We would fight over it occasionally but for the most part I just kept it inside until it exploded during bad points. It felt like ptsd and my heart still races when I think about it. The feeling of absolute dread was so strong that I contemplated suicide during the lowest points. This past February she finally agreed to start therapy because unfortunately I developed an emotional connection with a coworker who went through a divorce last year. Nothing was ever said or done between us and it certainly wasn't planned but it was obvious we were clicking too well and my wife noticed. It sent her into a spiral and we've been dealing with it ever since. I would never cheat, I know how it feels on the other end. I was completely honest with my wife and the coworker. It really hurt the coworker but we discussed it and she understood. She never once admitted to having feelings for me and I didn't either but it was obvious something was happening. Rumors started at work and that was not helping. It was a bad idea to keep getting closer. We're ok being friends and limit interaction without other people around. We're stuck together due to work so that isn't something I can change and we need to get along.
I'm afraid I'm emotionally disconnected from my wife and have been since the incident but we have kids and I'm responsible for the house. I love her as a person though and my happiness doesn't matter as much as hers and the kids does.
We did about two months of therapy and she quit because it always led to long painful discussions after. Before the last one I asked to meet with the therapist separately so I could actually speak. Every previous session was redirected at my current situation and hers was barely talked about. I felt like I was being attacked and I just wanted closure. I admitted several times to making a mistake by allowing myself to develop feelings for someone else but I told her every single detail. She told me almost nothing. During that last visit I told the therapist that if we didn't have kids I would have left. My wife went after I was done, heard that and lost it. She stormed out of the house tried to leave and said our marriage was over. I stopped her although I'm not sure why and got her to talk. It went for several hours. She said that night that maybe there was an emotional connection but she wasn't sure. It came with the qualifier that he wasn't attractive. Beyond that almost every question I've asked has gotten no answer. Things as simple as how long were they talking. Days weeks months? No memory of that, how did they got on the topic of our marriage? No memory. It made no sense.
She’s recently agreed go back after about a month of not but is very hesitant. We'll see the therapist again next week.
Lately we're having so much sex that it's kind of weird. From once a month to 3 or 4 times a week. She said it's because she feels like it's the only thing we connect on right now. For years I've had to take Ed meds because I struggle with the feelings of betrayal. Its humiliating and I know it's a mental block but I can't overcome it. She also changed the number of guys she slept with from 4 to 14 while we were talking around the time of the incident. She said she "wanted to be honest" but it was a week after the incident and not the time to admit to lying about something sexual. That always felt like it was meant to throw me off the course, not to clear the air.
I’m exhausted. The secrecy and lack of clarity have wrecked my trust and mental health. I love my wife and we’ve built a life together, but I feel like I’m the only one who ever had to deal with the fallout. She's not a bad person but she will never tell me what I want to know and it's been so long that she might genuinely not remember. The lack of information makes it so hard to move forward and feel secure. How do I trust someone who broke my trust and lied about it? She wants me to get over it and move on but it feels impossible. Am I wrong and is it possible she's telling me the truth?

It’s not secrecy or lack of clarity my friend, it’s called betrayal.

Cheating + gaslighting + blame shifting = Infidelity

Always trust your gut it rarely is wrong.

You feel like that because nobody who you cited there in your story has a sliver of respect for you as a person.
They treat you like a doormat and seems they are confident that you’re not going to show consequences, you will just get sad and suffer in silence.

Do I get it right?

Because brother, I don’t think you are wrong here.
And I ask you, are you ready to begging brewing inside you the biggest "fuck you" to everyone who gaslights you and reclaim your self respect and agency?

This is the most important thing, about the story you already have all the answers, and yes, the answer is yes, she cheated, to what extent is irrelevant the point is she has no quarrel into abusing you to the point of betrayal trauma, and she (and her sister, and everyone else you cited) seems to believe you are so weak, so accommodating that you would never react accordingly, so they do not even feel the basic shame.

They have no respect for you, is not even roommate status, that’s furniture status.

Seriously, I hope this makes you angry enough to start brewing a huge F bomb.

If this resonates then we can talk how to channel it properly, because freaking out won’t do it, there is way to put this kind of people in their place, and that starts with your healing.

That’s the first I put, talk here, you need clarity and people here can hear and understand you.
When you have clarity you will get back your agency and demand the respect that is due to any human being. Boundaries man.

And your wife and bratty sister will be crawling into a corner, I guarantee you.

You have been heard.

Oh my gosh you sound so unhappily married for years it’s exhausting. I feel so bad that you wasted your time and energy on someone who is not a great partner.

Your daughter is your daughter. Whether biological or not, you raised her. End of story. In my family of siblings we all have different eye/hair color combos. Two blue eyed kids, green eyed, grayish blue and light brown — none of us look alike except me & 1 sister. So don’t base your suspicions on looks etc.

Your wife is stonewalling and gaslighting you. I lived in your exact situation w/ my H’s first affair. He REFUSED to admit it was even going on (but I knew it was — EA). It was 4 years of abuse b/c he would literally smirk at me and walk out of the room if I mentioned it.

On your case, for your peace of mind, I suggest two paths. Since therapy has been unproductive for you as couples, I’d suggest going alone for you to manage this. Learn to accept her lying & cheating. Decide if you want to stay unhappily married OR move on.

Let the therapist be there just for you.

Honestly if your wife doesn’t care about you to give you something you desperately need and DESERVE, you are at a point where you need to stop trying with her. In the end it’s hurting you.

Then base your future decisions on how you feel about yourself and the marriage. If it really bothers you not to get answers from her, then you should move on.

Life is too short to spend it being very unhappy.

Regarding the daughter.
Being a parent isn’t just biology. There are also moral and a legal definitions.
Like… even if you were to discover that biologically she isn’t yours you would still be her legal father and it would take quite the process to change that. It might even not be possible.
From what you share you definitely meet the moral requirements too.

My suggestion: If there is ANY doubt in your mind – do the test OR stop having those doubts.
If she’s yours biologically then you know, and can move on. If not, then you know and can move on. At least you will have the infidelity confirmed and can decide on your legal position as her father.
The way I see it: There is so much related to genetics that can impact our future that its always better to be clear in that area. Plus, if you have doubts then chances are that she too will have her doubts with time. At some point someone or something will lead her to question. Might be as innocent as she taking an ancestry test to discover she has a half-brother in Alaska or whatever. The truth is what it is, and it’s IMHO always better to work from a foundation of truth.

I find her story doubtful. Your wife isn’t born yesterday, and how confident do you need to be to start talking sexual content with a random stranger you meet at a bowling alley. Plus, who took the pics? The Verizon is also suspect.

I understand your doubts. Get at least the paternity issue squared away, because there is the chance that can answer the infidelity issue too.